A Longing.

I have felt this day coming for quite some time. Like one senses a storm rolling in or rain in the air, or a natural disaster on the horizon. I find myself struggling to catch my breath after a sudden gasp as if I am just being told for the first time that he is gone. And I try and understand the emotions inside.

The word that keeps rising above the rest, that I keep seeing written on my heart, that floods my head and seems to SCREAM at me…is anger. And I had to then try and understand why. I’m not angry at my Dad for dying. I don’t think he would have chosen to leave his family, his brothers, his nieces, his nephews, his wife, his children and definitely not his dog. I’m not angry at God. I don’t believe God decided to rip a man from those that need him most and leave a hole that will never be filled. I’m not angry at me, though I’ve tried to be, for seeing him in pain earlier in the day and not speaking loudly enough for someone (even him) to hear me.

I believe that my anger comes from an intense longing for what I cannot have.

I’ve become a toddler who wants a toy in the store that her mother won’t let her have. A hungry child begging for a second dessert. Veruca Salt screaming I WANT THE WORLD.

But I don’t want the world.

I just want my Dad.

I know I wouldn’t be who I am today if he hadn’t left me so long ago. I know things would be incredibly different. With his body working against his spirit in many ways, I do know that his leaving of this world could have been more awful and more painful than it is now. But it doesn’t stop this longing. For what I missed. For what he missed. For what we will both miss in the years ahead.

I want him at every milestone. Every celebration. Every heart ache. Every smile. Every laugh. Every tear.

Every.

Moment.

Selfishly.

Angry.

Intensely longing for what I cannot have.

 

Day 68

Numbers 13:26-14:45

….the men come back from exploring the land and tell of their experience. They say the land is full of milk and honey. But they said the people there were powerful. When Caleb suggested going and taking possession of the land these men wanted no part. They began to give bad reports of the land to everyone. Talking of how the people there were giants.

So of course the Israelites groan and moan. And complain and whine. They decide to choose a new leader and go back to Egypt.

Now I can only IMAGINE how NOT FUN this journey has been for them! I mean. They were slaves in Egypt. And now they want to go BACK there!

Moses, Aaron and Joshua and Caleb (who had gone on the exploration) told the people (along with hitting the found face first and tearing their clothes) that the land was GOOD! That the people there do not have God’s protection like they did and there was no need to fear.

And the good Israelites thought ‘lets stone them’. Do you want to shake your head yet? Cause I totally do.

Now God shows up at this point and asks just how long these people will continue to not believe in Him. So God decides to kill the whole lot of them and just make Moses great.

I really wonder about God back then. And I love how much Moses has Gods ear. He reminds Him that the Egyptians would hear that God killed them all. And right now they know that God is with them. Going before them always. That God has revealed himself. Moses knew the Egyptians would mock God.

So God agrees to not kill them all off. But He does promise that only Caleb will see the promised land. That not one of the people who has questioned Him will see it.

This story gets better. God really goes off here. Every person over 20 will die in the lands before those under will enter the new land. It’s awful actually to read. How the children will work the land for fourth years as the old ones die off.

Then God takes those that went to explore – all but Joshua and Caleb – and kills them with a plague. They lied and spread rumors out of fear and caused an uprising. And this was the consequence. Moses and Aaron told the Israelites and they all mourned.

In the morning they went up to the land saying they were ready for the land The Lord had promised them.

I’m confused who ‘they were’. All the Israelites? Or a group of them? I’m not sure.

But Moses stopped them. Reminding them that just the day before God told them they wouldn’t see the land. But in the way of these people – they went anyways. And they went sadly without God’a protection. So ‘they’ went. And ‘they’ were struck down by the Amalekites and Canaanites who were living there.

Dumb. These people are dumb.

I wonder if I’d fit right in.

Mark 14:43-14:77

Judas shows up with an armed crowd. Poor Jesus. He was so emotional at this point. Begging God to take this burden from him.

And now begins the entire process. Now he knows it won’t be taken.

Now he watches his friend come and kiss him signaling to the crowd he is the one to arrest.

And he is arrested. And all flee. Except on young man wearing only a linen garment. When they seized him he fled naked.

I have to say I’m confused as to why this was documented. But ok.

Jesus was taken to the high priest and the chief priests. Peter had followed at a far distance.

The priests were trying to find evidence against him but were unsuccessful. Testimonies given were false.

When asked if he was the Messiah, the son I the Blessed One he replied ‘yes, I am’.

The priests declares blasphemy and the crowd spit on him. Blindfolded him, struck him with their fists. And the guards took him and beat him.

I am sad when I get an ant bite. A bump on my leg. And here was the son of God. Being beaten. And knowing all of what was to come.

A servant girl of the high priest passed Peter and stopped recognizing him as one who was with Jesus. But he denied it.

Denial one.

She told those standing around that he was one of them. He told them all no denying it.

Denial two.

A while later those standing around said ‘surely you are one of them’ and he called down curses and swore to them ‘I don’t know this man you’re talking about.’

Denial three.

And with that the rooster crowed a second time.

And Peter remembered the words Jesus spoke to him ‘before the rooster crows twice you will disown me three times.’

And Peter broke down and wept.

I wonder what the people thought. I am sure this confirmed he was one of them. But I wonder if they took pity on him and left him alone. Walked away. Or turned their backs. Did anyone reach out to him or feel his sadness?

Proverbs 6:30-6:35

This was different.

Reminding us that no one despises a thief who stole because he was hungry and starving.

Yet a man who commits adultery has no sense.

And immediately I’m taken to those who cheat because they are starving. Because their partner at home has become dead to them. No longer being a living part of the relationship.

And I am saddened for them.

And yet now as I write that God reminds me that the one who is starving has words. And can use them. And speak up. And fix things. Or end them the right way.

Starving for food is one thing…you have no power at times to control this.

Yet you can walk away from the unhealthy. Rather than cheat and hide.

Dearest Father

Dearest Father,

You are dead.

And that sucks.

You know what doesn’t suck? Percocet. And not just for obvious reasons such as pain relief, but because so much Percocet in my body triggered a beautiful dream of you.

In my dream we were at the old house and you showed up. Well you started as some old guy with long white hair, but then his face morphed and became you.

I’ve had lots of dreams of you. In each one I know you aren’t really there. Sometimes we are trying to figure out how to make you alive again. And sometimes we just get to have you for a little while. This one was different. You didn’t speak. And it was very short. It lasted all of 10 seconds. But it was my favorite dream ever.

In those 10 seconds your face went through so many expressions. Like hundreds of them…and it was…it was really you.

The worst part of death is that you forget the details of the person. I have a pic of you next to my bed with Uncle Steve. So I can see your face. But it isn’t the same. It’s just one moment captured. One hilarious moment featuring your alter ego ‘Bob’ and his faces you would make. But it’s just one. One expression of the millions you make.

In the movie Hook, the lost boys are trying to understand how this old man before them could be Peter Pan. And one little boy steps forward and begins to move Peters face around. Looking at various expressions. And in those expressions he sees Peter and whispers ‘Oh there you are Peter.’ And then all the boys can see it. They see him in the details.

I cried then at the movie and I cried in my dream.

Because it was you. I saw you. I saw a lifetime of you in just a few seconds. My heart was so filled I could only reach out and touch your shoulder to make sure it was really happening. And then I was so overwhelmed with love that I ran away from you in my dream to find Donita and share you with her.

Of course I wake up then. I’m too nice. Should have kept those few more seconds for me. 🙂

But Dad, I woke up so full.

Your smile. Your eyes. Your laugh. Your thinking. Your sighing. Your worry. Your excitement. Your wonder. Your confusion. Your disappointment. Your love.

All there. All in front of me.

I’m not having a very good time in ‘life’ right now and boy would I give anything to have my Dad here. I wonder if you’d hold me and tell me it will all be ok. Or if you’d pull me in and say nothing at all. Or if you’d march over to that building and give some people a piece of your mind for how they’ve treated your little girl.

But I think you’d stare at me for a while in confusion. 🙂 I know you would hold me too. And let me be comforted. And tell me you love me. But you never could understand my emotions and how it was that I feel everything so deeply. Why I cried over a rose petal doll hair brush you found in the car late one night. Why I slept every night with my stuffed dog tucked beside me. Why I made up sad songs and would sob in my room as I sang them.

We never got to the time where we started to understand each other. Well…that’s not true. We had just gotten there. Just started to SEE each other. I loved it there Dad. 🙂

I know I drove you crazy. But I sure did love you. And I slightly miss you old man.

I miss your laugh. Your dancing. Your road trips. Your hugs. Your loving the animals in the house possibly more than the humans. Your Saturday morning TV. Your piles of grilled cheese sandwiches. Your love of swap meets. Your passion for family. Your crying ONLY at Jerry Lewis Telethons (or leaving Uncle Donald). Your walks you took me on early in the morning. Your incredibly short corduroy shorts. Your 50’s style hair. Your love of turtles and what that stood for in your life. Your drive to make sure we had everything we could ever want. Your competitiveness in racing games (video games of course). Your love of your best friends. Your hands. Your gifts. Your voice.

That 10 second dream allowed me to experience 15 years of you at once. You still fill my heart today. And what I’d give to stand on tip toes and wrap my arms around your neck one more time. 🙂

Happy 19 years in eternity Dad.

XO

Day 67

Numbers 11:4-13:25

The Israelites craved meat and begged for it. God was angered by this as they kept yelling how they were better off in Egypt. He filled the land with quail and told Moses the people would eat it for a month.

The Bible says that while the meat was still between their teeth God sent down a plague.

Never grumble people. Never. Goodness.

And never talk crap behind someone’s back.

No no no.

Miriam and Aaron began to talk about Moses, their own brother, and God didn’t so much like this. He called them on it as He appeared like a pillar of smoke…and then He gave Miriam leprosy.

I wonder how many times God would have given my sister, brother and I leprosy?!!

Aaron begged Moses for help who in turn begged God to heal her. She was succumbed to this for seven days and had to stay outside of camp. Then was allowed back in.

Through all this the Israelites kept moving.

Moses then sent a leader from each tribe to go and scout out the land of Canaan. They were to look for people and if they were strong. As well as to look for good soil and proof of vegetation.

At the end of 40 days the men came back.

I feel like this is…to be continued…

Mark 14:17-14:42

During dinner Jesus tells them that one of them will betray him. They all go through one by one saying it won’t be them. But he tells them it is true.

He then breaks bread and tells them it is his body. And pours wine and tells them it is the blood of his covenant poured out for so many. And he tells them the next time he drinks wine it will be in the kingdom of God.

They sang a hymn and went to the Mount of Olives.

Over 10 years ago my worship leaders beautiful wife, Ginny Greer, sang at Easter communion and I sing the words she did – every time I take communion. ‘This is my body broken for you and as you eat it remember me.’ And then as I drink the juice ‘This is my blood poured out for you and as you drink it remember me’. I wish I could write the tune.

Jesus tells the disciples that they will all fall away. And Peter promises him that he won’t. But Jesus tells him that before the rooster crows twice on that night Peter himself will deny him three times.

And then my favorite part of the story of Jesus.

Where I see the humanness revealed.

He told his disciples to sit while he went to pray. He took Peter, James and John with him.

And he became deeply distressed and troubled. Wouldn’t you? To know you are about to die. And not just a quick death but to be tortured and ridiculed. And even though you are ‘God’ you will feel in all your humanness the pain and the agony and the horrible trauma. All for people you don’t even know. All to save them.

I would be freaking the junk out!!!

He went a little further on his own and fell to the ground. And here I fall for the man. He asked God to take this from him. Asked for it to pass. ‘Take this cup from me.’

Scream it Jesus!!!

I would seriously be questioning my God, my Father. Why? Why couldn’t He just CHOOSE to save the people instead of using Jesus the way He was.

Well…that’s been proven why. For hundreds and thousands of years.

We…we are dumb. And we need huge wake up calls to get it.

Three times Jesus came back to his disciples and found them asleep. He told them to get up and pray so they stayed awake while he was able to pray.

The second time it states the disciples didn’t know what to say to him.

I always read this part as if they were dumb.

But now I see it differently. These men are being told by their friend – that his time has come. That he will be betrayed. And that they will all fall away.

Did they sleep from exhaustion? Did they cry? Did they look at each other in mistrust?

The third time Jesus came back he told them to get up as his betrayer was coming.

Psalm 31:9-31:18

In this psalm he cries out to God to restore his reputation. Many are lying about him and he says his friends flee from him when they see him on the street.

‘Let the wicked be put to shame and be silent in the realm of the dead. Let their lying lips be silenced, for with pride and contempt they speak arrogantly against the righteous.’

That was my prayer not long ago…

Let their lying lips be silenced…

But God doesn’t always answer prayers they way we want. And I’m so grateful for Him.

Day 66

Numbers 9:15-11:3

So God led the Israelites by a cloud that at night would look like fire.

When the cloud was there. They would stay. When it lifted they would set out on the move.

I want to yell ‘hey God can you do that for me please?!’ I find it almost frustrating at times how very clear and obvious He made himself in the Old Testament and now I find myself BEGGING for any sign. But I realize our times have changed. If a cloud sat above me the government I am sure would be flying drones into it and trying to bomb it. I think we’ve hindered God from speaking the way He used to.

They also blew trumpets when it was time to head out. I’ll have to do a bit more research as to why this was so significant. But on Percocet right now it’s hard enough to just understand what I’m reading.

Oh how selfish a people we are. God has done soooo much for the Israelites at this time. And to show their gratitude they complain. Complained about how hard it was for them. Woah is them. So God started to set fire to the camp. He is God. What did they think?! Moses prayed and God calmed the fire.

But really. Really?

Mark 13:32-14:16

Talk about the end. When God will return. How no one knows except God. So be awake. And be prepared.

A scheme was being set up to arrest Jesus and kill him. But Passover and the Festival of Unleavened Bread was in two days. They decided to wait so there wouldn’t be riots.

This is a story that always makes me pause. The perfume lady. Apparently this perfume she has in her jar could be sold for a years worth of money. And she took it and poured it on Jesus’s head.

The crowd got angry and some wondered why she didn’t sell it and give the money to the poor!

Jesus told them though – that the poor will be there but His time was near. And that she was preparing him for his burial.

At this point Judas, one of the twelve disciples, went to the chief priests to betray Jesus. They promised him money in exchange for Jesus.

It was now time to prepare the Passover meal. Which will become the Last Supper.

Psalm 31:1-31:8

This Psalm talks a lot about taking refuge in The Lord.

Refuge – something that provides shelter.

God will keep us safe.

Day 65

Numbers 7:66-9:14

Day 64

Numbers 7:1-765

So each clan/tribe/group was to bring offerings when the tabernacle was finished. And the items were given to the Levites who took care of the tabernacle.

Day 1 – Nashon from Judah came. And dude, offerings were serious – silver, dishes, food, oils, incense, sooooo many animals and carts.

Day 2 – Nethanel leader of Issachar.

Day 3 – Elian leader of Zebulon.

Day 4 – Elizur leader of Reuben.

Day 5 – Shelumiel leader of Simeon.

Day 6 – Eliasaph leader of Gad.

Day 7 – Elishama leader of Ephraim.

Day 8 – Gamaliel leader of Mannaseh.

Day 9 – Abidan leader of Benjamin.

They all seemed to bring the same stuff.

Mark 12:28-12:44

Greatest commandment. Can you quote it? Love The Lord your God…

Jesus talks to the people about how the Messiah is not the son of David as people have been saying. For even David said this.

Jesus warns agains the teachers of the law. They talk a good talk maybe – but they have a horrible walk.

Jesus was watching people bring their offerings. He noticed many rich people throwing in lots of money. But he saw one poor woman through in all she had – a few cents. He called his disciples to him and told them that SHE gave the most of everyone. For she gave all she had.

Proverbs 6:20-6:29

Warning against adultery.

‘Can a man scoop fire into his lap without his clothes being burned?’

‘Can a man walk on hot coals without his feet being scorched?’

Day 63

Numbers 5:11-6:27

Test for an unfaithful wife

Dude. Amazing.

So if the man thinks his wife has been adulteress – he takes her to the priest who puts her before The Lord. Then he makes her drink a cursed bitter water. If she’s innocent – all is good. If she isn’t it says her abdomen will swell and she will miscarry and not be able to have children.

Dang.

Nazirite

If an Israelite wanted to be a Nazarite (one who is consecrated) – he must take a vow.

You must abstain from anything to do with grapes. Wine. Raisins. Etc.

They must not shave their head.

They may not go near a dead body even if it belongs to their family. If a person dies in front of them they must shave their hair – do some cleansing stuff – and restart again.

Now after the vow period is over they do the offerings thing. Then they shave their hair and burn it too. Then they wave a thigh and a leg of a ram. Drink wine. And they’re good to go.

Huh. The things you learn! Thank GOODNESS Jesus died as my lamb. All these offerings would have made me ill.

God blesses the Israelites after telling them all this.

Mark 12:13-12:27

The Pharisees try again. They question Jesus about taxes and if it was a fair tax. He tells them to stop trying to trick him. To give to Caesar what is his – and to God what is His.

The Sadducees (members of an old Jewish sect) ask him when the dead rise at the resurrection who will they be married to? If they had been married more than once. Jesus tells them when we rise we will be like angles.

Psalm 30:1-30:7

David praises God and gives Him glory for being so incredible. I liked this one!

Day 62

Numbers 4:1-5:10

The Kohathites care for the most holy things.

The Gershonites are to carry everything (almost – they have help)

This tabernacle is on the move. So everyone has jobs of moving and unpacking and resetting. And repacking and moving again.

The Merarites are also to carry. They get the frames and posts.

2,750 men from the Kohathites served. 2,630 men from the Gershonites served. 3,200 men from the Merarites served. All from 30-50.

If you were sick or had skin disease you had to make your bed OUTSIDE of camp. Gotta keep it clean.

When you mess up you have to confess and then pay restitution. A fifth of the value is to be added to it and then paid to the one you wronged. If no one was living to receive it…God received it

Mark 11:27-12:12

Priests and teachers of law tried to get Jesus again. This time they asked him with whose authority did he do these things.

Jesus – the original Riddler – asked them first if John’s baptism was from Heaven or man.

The men figured any way they chose to answer it would be wrong so they went with answer C – I don’t know.

So Jesus being Jesus replied ‘neither will I tell you by what authority I am doing these things’.

Way to side step that one. Although I think these men are dumb. CLEARLY Jesus came with authority.

Jesus the Riddler speaks in another parable – this time about the chief priests and teachers of the law.

He spoke of a man who rented a vineyard to farmers. When the harvest came he sent MANY servants to collect some of the fruit. But they were all killed or beaten.

So he does exactly what I would have done – sent my son. Wait? Ugh. Why?!?! He thought ‘surely they won’t kill my son’. Except they thought”surely we should kill his heir!’ And they did.

So the owner – he will then kill the tenants and rent it to different ones.

Being afraid – knowing they were the ‘tenants’ the chief priests and teachers of the law booked it.

Psalm 29:1-29:11

Lots of acclamations towards The Lord. All that He is

Day 61

Numbers 2:10-3:51

More talk of where everyone must make camp. All the men (not including Levites) among them were 603,550.

Again – guessing there is some estimating going on.

Now God gave all the Levites to Aaron and his sons to help with the tabernacle.

God wanted them counted too – all males over a month old.

Levi has three sons and the clans were broken apart by them. And each was given different responsibilities.

Gershon – 7,500 males.

Kohath – 8,600.

Merari – 6,200.

God had claimed all the first born males of the Israelites and their livestock. The first born makes a mont or older numbered 22,273. (First time we haven’t rounded up).

Since their were more first born Israelites than male Levites total – God made the extras pay shekels and give them to Aaron and his sons.

Apparently all first borns had to be redeemed. And it was the first born of the mother – not the father.

Mark 11:1-11:26

Jesus told his disciples to go into the village and return with a colt for Jesus to ride in on.

Many people spread their cloaks and palm branches on the ground for the colt to carry Jesus on. They shouted ‘hosanna blessed is He who comes in the name of The Lord.’

It was cute today as I heard some kinders recount this story.

The next day as they were leaving Bethany Jesus reached out to a fig tree and it did not have fruit. It was not the right season. Jesus told the tree it would no longer bear fruit.

Ok. Spoiled much? It wasn’t even the right season Jesus.

When they got to Jerusalem Jesus was angry with what he saw at the temple courts people were selling doves for sacrifice and changing money – all to make profits and money. These people’s hearts were not in the right place.

The chief priests and the teachers of the law became afraid of him. And plotted ways to kill him.

When they were leaving that night they passed the withered fig tree. The disciples pointed it out.

Jesus told them if they ask for anything in prayer and believes it – it will be theirs. But he also kinds them if they have something against someone to forgive them so God can forgive as well.

Just my thoughts here – but Jesus totally had something against that fig tree!

Psalm 28:1-28:9

David cries to God and begs Him to hear the cries. Then rejoices as He does.