Cravings

Ocean

Water

Sand

Peace

Wind

Clouds

Waves

Mist

Life

Family

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In 4 days I leave for Hawaii.

But it’s not what I crave.

I crave the hopefully not soon to fall into the ocean state of California.

And I crave the people it holds.

I crave my family.

I crave my familia.

I crave my Uncle and Aunt.

My cousins.

My ‘nieces and nephews’.

My Prima.

I crave them.

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Completely odd isn’t it?!

I am leaving for HAWAII in 4 days.

And I can’t wait to get back so I can drive hours to California and see the ocean there.

Stand on the beach in Coronado watching God’s world around me.

Snuggle on the couch with Vanessa and little Mason Edward while being completely entertained by Isabella and Lincoln as the worlds greatest Father, my cousin, plays with them.

Hold Emily in my arms and watch her parents in awe.

Stand next to my giant Jeff and smile at the family he has surrounding him.

Talk with my Aunt and rest my head on my Uncles chest.

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I’m tired.

I’m really tired.

My body is tired.

My soul is tired.

My spirit is weak.

And I need refreshing.

And I look to my family.

———————————————

Refreshing?

6 kids.

8 adults.

Lots of noise.

Lots of laughter.

But they refuel me.

———————————————

I crave California.



Take THAT Sucka!

Why. Why. Why.

Why do I fret?

Why do I worry?

Why do I cry and complain and lose sleep and FREAK OUT?!

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I read back through pages of journaling and I see the sadness and the questions.

Then I see the rejoicing and the AHA! moments that happen soon following.

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This my friends…is an AHA! moment.

AHA!

AHA!

AHA!

I love God.

He has to be the funniest person I know. And He has to just LAUGH at me in my AHA! moments.

—————————————————–

So the battle has been won.

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y

VICTORY!

VICTORY!

VICTORY!

—————————————————–

Clearly there will always be battles in my life where I will be fighting against … everything.

Even myself as I fought in THIS battle.

But the GREAT thing is…….

I SO WON THIS BATTLE!

Oh yeah.

TAKE THAT SUCKA!

—————————————————–

That’s what I want to yell.

Over and over and over again.

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This was the probably the most ‘aware’ battle I’ve ever had.

Where I’ve felt myself in this tug o’ war, back and forth, craziness of a mess.

And it was a conscious decision over and over to do the right thing (and sometimes the wrong).

But today is defeat for the enemy.

—————————————————–

See Satan….you can’t win. You can pull. You can push. You can kick. You can beotch slap.

But you can’t win.

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I have an army on my side.

I have a God that loves me.

I have friends that lift me up in prayer.

I have children who ask God for protection upon my life.

I have a staff that doesn’t allow me to walk alone.

I have best friends that laugh in my face and then tell me NO in their loud Mom voices.

I have people who don’t give up on me.

I have light.

I have love.

I have God.

I have an army.

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The Battle belongs to the Lord.

Reminds me of the song of oh, so long ago.

In heavenly armour we’ll enter the land
The battle belongs to the Lord
No weapon that’s fashioned against us shall stand
The battle belongs to the Lord

When your enemy presses in hard do not fear
The battle belongs to the Lord
Take courage my friend, your redemption is near
The battle belongs to the Lord

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Do not fear, Michelle.

Take courage, Michelle.

Your redemption is near, Michelle.

You don’t fight this alone, Michelle.

—————————————————–

Sorry satan…but you didn’t win.

And God Himself I believe threw that last punch in and ended it this time.

And I came out…uninjured.

Renewed.

Refreshed.

Strengthened.

Laughing.

Smiling.

Loving.

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And you……you little minion….wanted me to come out in sadness.

Depression.

Weakness.

Untrusting.

Lacking.

Dark.

Unloveable.

—————————————————–

Well…….

Take THAT Sucka!

My heart to his…

Words for my brother in law.

 

Dearest Jonathon,

You may pretend to not love me.

But me, you, Donita, the children, the family, the neighborhood and God, we all know the truth.

It is evident in the way you held my hand on Tuesday night through all the picture chaos and yet pretended to ‘not realize’ it.

It is evident in the way you roll your eyes and beg me to leave your home WHILE sitting next to ME on the couch and not your wife.

It is evident in the way you let me come over sometimes to watch t.v. with you and the kids.

It is evident in the way you beg me to date SOMEBODY but then the somebody’s always seem to be not good enough some how.

It is evident in the way you throw your sweaty socks at me while laughing like a girl.

It is evident in the way you make me my favorite meal on my birthday and then buy me a cake I can’t stand.

It is evident in the way you painted my apartment….twice.

It is evident in the way when I was broken you came over a lot and even brought me presents – like magazines that no one in their right mind would read.

It is evident in the way you let me put all of your hair in little pig tails.

It is evident in the way you let me go on road trips with you even when you claim it’s just to entertain the kids in the back seat.

It is evident in the way you were excited the fridge had filtered water for ME.

It is evident in the way you post horrible pictures of me on the family website.

It is evident because you never post pictures of anyone else on that site.

It is evident when you try and big brother me and Father me all at the same time.

It is evident when you sometimes hug me back when I lock my arms around you.

It is evident Jonathon Thomas Montgomery.

It is evident.

Love your Favorite Sister~
ME!

 

 

I Want To Jump

I had a different title.

One Step Forward. Five Gazillion Steps Back.

But as I started searching some other blogs I was…well…dumbfounded by what I found.

In my current journey of craziness I was pretty sure I was making more progress going backwards than I was going forward.

Instead of the two steps forwards one step back…I felt I was doing quite the opposite.

But that was possibly just some wallowing in self pity. I don’t actually do that well. So I’m glad the blog searching has helped me refocus.

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I can see growth.

I can.

As I continue to crawl army style through the obstacles around me while dressed in camo, complete with my night wear goggles to spot first those who I don’t want to see me…….

I think I’m making some progress.

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So I guess I have to throw the one step forward, two steps back out the window.

I was puzzled by myself for a moment as I found my foot behind me. Stubbornly not obeying what I was telling it to do.

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“There are many times when you may be in the middle of something, and you are spinning around in circles.  The best thing to do in situations like that is to take a step back.  When you take that step back, you can sometimes create a clearer view of your situation.”

I love spinning.

I do.

Twirling makes me feel so free.

Give me the wind where I feel as though God is reaching out and giving me a great big hug and add a good twirl and the moment is brilliant.

But what a great bit of insight.

“…you can sometimes create a clearer view of the situation.”

First thing I love about this is the you. YOU can create a clearer view of the situation.

You is power.

You means YOU are in control.

Next thing I love is NOT that you can see the whole picture and fix it all, completely understand it, get a firm grip. Oh no. The author merely suggests you create a clearer…VIEW.

Stepping back. Making the decision to take a step back. Allows you to see the situation in a different way.

A clearer view.

————————————————-

So I look at my little step back.

What will I do with it?

Will I accept it as a step back and a failure?

Will I see it as a helpful decision?

Will I take from it what I can and choose to view the situation different?

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“Sometimes when we take that step back, there is a lesson God wants us to go back and relearn or something He wants us to see that we missed the first time.”

Definitely not going to disagree with this author.

This doesn’t define the step back as good or bad.

This author instead states that maybe God has allowed that step back to happen so a bit of learning can be had.

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My amount of steps backward I have taken over the past few months would astound some of you!

However, I can absolutely see how MANY of these steps have been allowed so God could say something like….

‘Hey dummy….wake it up child!”

Don’t get all offended.

God calls me dummy in the most affectionate way possible.

I laugh all the time at how much I missed.

How much I didn’t catch the first time.

Watch an animated kids movie. Then watch it again and start paying attention to the background. The words on the signs. The people moving around. It’s hilarious what you’ll see.

It’s AMAZING how much the production companies pack into those films.

But you miss it all the first time.

You miss it.

————————————————-

I’m okay with stepping back for this.

That step back doesn’t hurt at all.

In fact.

Go ahead little feet. Go backwards. Just don’t trip.

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“A step forward, a step back…
Like a feather thrown into the desert,
Fallen from the bird’s wing,
Lost amidst a spiraling tumble,
I should spare myself this turbulence.
But, after landing with a thud, I cannot in all conscience remain on my knees;”

The rest of this poem ended I believe in some foreign religion that scared me as I didn’t understand it.

This part however…I really liked.

Forward. Yes.

Backward. Yep.

Like a feather thrown into the desert.

The desert is so often used as describing a place that is unattractive.

Little life. Little water. Heat. Endless views of nothing. Colorless.

Lost admist a spiraling tumble.

The fall isn’t so bad I guess.

But the spiraling tumble is just not okay.

You have no control. It’s just a fast journey in an unpredictable spiral down.

I should spare myself this turbulance.

Shouldn’t we all.

But, after landing with a thud, I cannot in all conscience remain on my knees.

YES!

EXACTLY!

THIS IS IT!

————————————————-

Fall.

Trip.

Step back.

BUT FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD GET BACK UP AGAIN!

Oh how I love this line the best.

I can choose to stay down.

I can choose to weep for how sad it is for me.

But goodness that takes more work than GETTING UP AND GETTING ON!

I want to high five the author for this breath of honesty.

————————————————-

And the best piece of insight I found in others journaling that I will take with me today.

Sometimes you need to step back one foot so you can perform a long jump.

Hmmm…………….

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I Want To Jump

Talking Talking Talking Talking

Just keep talking. Talking. Talking.
Just keep talking. Talking. Talking.

I just keep talking.

But the more I talk. The more I understand.

I figure by the time I lose my voice…I should have a better grip on me.

I feel like a crime solver. A Nancy Drew.

I’m not quite sure what case I’m on. But with each conversation, each conversation with myself, each conversation with God…I’m getting more clues.

I’m almost fascinated by the thoughts that pop into my mind.

Who even knew I felt these things? Or thought these things. Suddenly I’m spurting out words and I’m thinking ‘When did I EVER start feeling that?!?!’ Or I figure something out and I’m like ‘Woah! I soooo get it now!’

I’m sure I’m not making any sense to those reading this and that’s ok.

Because it barely makes sense to me.

I feel like I’m living the game of Clue and while I’ve been wallowing in the confusion and fighting it step by step I’m suddenly having the time of my life and am excited to turn corners and see what I find.

Just keep talking. Talking. Talking.
Just keep talking. Talking. Talking.

Conviction by Treadmill

Well, it wasn’t a treadmill.

It was an Arc Trainer.

But Conviction by Arc Trainer didn’t have the same feel.

So I’ll let my little lie of a header be.

——————————————-

I’ve mentioned before that God really talks to me through music.

It’s because occasionally I’ll stop talking long enough in my mind to hear the words of the music and there comes times when suddenly I’m surrounded by God everywhere.

That was the case this morning.

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It can be a bit embarrassing as suddenly you get this huge whacky grin and your arms shoot up as if you are hugging the God of all creation right there.

But that’s alright. I like a bit of embarrassment in the morning.

Really the only embarrassing part was when I got lost in the music and as my arm lifted on it’s own straight up towards the Heavens, my hand hit my sweater, which I thought was a person and I jumped nearly off the machine I was on.

Typical Michelle moment.

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Prodigal.

One Republic.

I’m theatrical so I nearly always envision a ‘music video’ of sorts with music. I see the actors. I see the drama play out. I see the live video it could be on a stage.

But this morning…I saw me in this conversation with God.

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Dark mountains. Snow filled. Gray. Cold. Bundled in clothes and surrounded by flurries I throw my scarf over my shoulder and stare directly into His face…before I turn away.

We say goodbye I turn my back. Run away, run away.

Shame and guilt then overcame me.

So predictable.

I keep going though. I keep walking away. Predictable or not. I can’t face Him. So I keep moving. With all the cold and the snow I can’t go fast…and I can’t go far. But I want to. I’m not nearly as strong as I want to appear. I’m not nearly as together as I want Him to think I am. I know I’m going to fall apart. But I want to do it in silence and solitude.

Not far from here you see me crack. Like a bone, like a bone I’m so breakable.

More shame. Shame and embarrassment as I clearly didn’t get far. I’m right there. In plain sight. Not more than five feet from where I started. Breaking. Falling.

I see myself as this horrible person. A thief. A robber. A child stealing from their Mother’s purse when she’s not looking. A dark figure rummaging through drawers and shelves looking for something but not quite sure what it is I want. I just need. I take. I take. I take.

And I take everything from you. But you’ll take anything won’t you?

With all the grief and all the memories crashing in front of my eyes, I kneel in the frozen ground. I see Him without having to look back. Still standing there. Still watching. Still waiting. Pain on His face. An understanding I don’t want to see. And suddenly I see Him standing against a white wall. I’m across from Him. Throwing handfuls of paint towards Him and the canvas of white. Each glob of dripping color splashing onto Him and staining Him. Each throw leaving marks. Ruining the perfection before me. And He stands there. He takes it. With His eyes on me and His arms open He accepts each hit.

Blinking I’m back on the mountain struggling to get up. I have to get away. I have to get as far from this truth, this reality, as I possibly can. I can’t stay here. I can’t see Him. I can’t face it. I move as best I can. Clawing at the ground to get forward. I know He’s still there. Still watching. If I close my eyes I can see Him as He stood against that white wall. Except now He stands in the midst of the flurries of snow representing my chaos I’ve created. And He waits. For me. To turn.

I can’t.

Ashamed. I keep moving. Forward. Stumbling. Falling. Crawling. I scream at the wind. I scream to leave me alone. To go.

Run away, run away like a prodigal. Don’t you wait for me. Don’t you wait for me. So ashamed, so ashamed but I need you so. And you wait for me. And you wait for me.

I find a break in the storm and stumble onto some path. But it’s not clear and within moments I’m surrounded once again by the darkness, the clouds, the snow. Still forward I move. Pulling my jacket closer. Wrapping my scarf tighter around my neck. Feeling the cold break through. My bones are aching. My lungs breathe fire. I’m choking on the frozen-ness I’ve allowed to envelope me. I don’t allow myself to look back. I don’t allow myself to try and see Him through the blizzard. If I look…if I see Him….

I’m on the road to who knows where, look ahead not behind I keep saying.

A break in the gloom and I see Him beside me. A swirl of powder and He’s gone. I step forward once again. Moving against the turmoil. Moving against the truth. Ahead through the clouds I see a glimpse of His face before He’s swallowed up by the madness of the storm. And all at once the storm builds and the chaos becomes consuming, overpowering and I’m being swallowed.

There’s no place to go where you’re not there.

Out of the haze a rope of sorts falls before me. Struggling to grab hold it swings just out of my reach. I know who holds the other end and I’m ready to hold on. I lunge forward with my hands reaching…and I make contact.

On your rope, I hold tight, but it’s freeing.

And once again visions dance in front of my eyes. This time all the bad and all the selfishness is played back in fast forward. And I once again see Him covered in my mess with arms open wide. Staring straight into my eyes.

And I take everything from you. But you’ll take anything won’t you?

Why? Why does He continue to take it? Why won’t He fight back? Why doesn’t He take everything I throw at him and drop it at my feet in disgust? Why doesn’t He walk away? Why are His arms still open? Why is He still waiting for me? I close my eyes against the truth.

Run away, run away like a prodigal. Don’t you wait for me. Don’t you wait for me. So ashamed, so ashamed but I need you so. And you wait for me. And you wait for me.

I open my eyes and I’m no longer in the midst of the storm, dangling from a rope on the edge of a mountain. I’m standing in the middle of sand with sunlight pouring in from every direction. I can see. I let go of the rope. And in the blink of an eye I’m back in the cold. In the night. In the storm. Surrounded.

Everybody wants to be right but only if it’s not day light?

The rope is gone. Tears begin to freeze on my cheeks. Gasping for breath. Gasping for life. I turn around. And I begin to move. Stumbling once again in the piles of darkness I’ve allowed to build around me. Now I’m searching. I’m looking for a break in the storm. I’m looking for a glimpse of His face. I’m looking for His arms. For Him.

I keep trying to find my way back, my way back.

And as I begin to run towards where I know He was I hear myself crying….

Run away, run away like a prodigal. Don’t you wait for me. Don’t you wait for me.

And I hear the truth flow from my lips….

So ashamed, so ashamed but I need you so. And you wait for me. And you wait for me.

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He waits for me.

Why….why do I make Him wait?