Conviction by Treadmill

Well, it wasn’t a treadmill.

It was an Arc Trainer.

But Conviction by Arc Trainer didn’t have the same feel.

So I’ll let my little lie of a header be.

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I’ve mentioned before that God really talks to me through music.

It’s because occasionally I’ll stop talking long enough in my mind to hear the words of the music and there comes times when suddenly I’m surrounded by God everywhere.

That was the case this morning.

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It can be a bit embarrassing as suddenly you get this huge whacky grin and your arms shoot up as if you are hugging the God of all creation right there.

But that’s alright. I like a bit of embarrassment in the morning.

Really the only embarrassing part was when I got lost in the music and as my arm lifted on it’s own straight up towards the Heavens, my hand hit my sweater, which I thought was a person and I jumped nearly off the machine I was on.

Typical Michelle moment.

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Prodigal.

One Republic.

I’m theatrical so I nearly always envision a ‘music video’ of sorts with music. I see the actors. I see the drama play out. I see the live video it could be on a stage.

But this morning…I saw me in this conversation with God.

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Dark mountains. Snow filled. Gray. Cold. Bundled in clothes and surrounded by flurries I throw my scarf over my shoulder and stare directly into His face…before I turn away.

We say goodbye I turn my back. Run away, run away.

Shame and guilt then overcame me.

So predictable.

I keep going though. I keep walking away. Predictable or not. I can’t face Him. So I keep moving. With all the cold and the snow I can’t go fast…and I can’t go far. But I want to. I’m not nearly as strong as I want to appear. I’m not nearly as together as I want Him to think I am. I know I’m going to fall apart. But I want to do it in silence and solitude.

Not far from here you see me crack. Like a bone, like a bone I’m so breakable.

More shame. Shame and embarrassment as I clearly didn’t get far. I’m right there. In plain sight. Not more than five feet from where I started. Breaking. Falling.

I see myself as this horrible person. A thief. A robber. A child stealing from their Mother’s purse when she’s not looking. A dark figure rummaging through drawers and shelves looking for something but not quite sure what it is I want. I just need. I take. I take. I take.

And I take everything from you. But you’ll take anything won’t you?

With all the grief and all the memories crashing in front of my eyes, I kneel in the frozen ground. I see Him without having to look back. Still standing there. Still watching. Still waiting. Pain on His face. An understanding I don’t want to see. And suddenly I see Him standing against a white wall. I’m across from Him. Throwing handfuls of paint towards Him and the canvas of white. Each glob of dripping color splashing onto Him and staining Him. Each throw leaving marks. Ruining the perfection before me. And He stands there. He takes it. With His eyes on me and His arms open He accepts each hit.

Blinking I’m back on the mountain struggling to get up. I have to get away. I have to get as far from this truth, this reality, as I possibly can. I can’t stay here. I can’t see Him. I can’t face it. I move as best I can. Clawing at the ground to get forward. I know He’s still there. Still watching. If I close my eyes I can see Him as He stood against that white wall. Except now He stands in the midst of the flurries of snow representing my chaos I’ve created. And He waits. For me. To turn.

I can’t.

Ashamed. I keep moving. Forward. Stumbling. Falling. Crawling. I scream at the wind. I scream to leave me alone. To go.

Run away, run away like a prodigal. Don’t you wait for me. Don’t you wait for me. So ashamed, so ashamed but I need you so. And you wait for me. And you wait for me.

I find a break in the storm and stumble onto some path. But it’s not clear and within moments I’m surrounded once again by the darkness, the clouds, the snow. Still forward I move. Pulling my jacket closer. Wrapping my scarf tighter around my neck. Feeling the cold break through. My bones are aching. My lungs breathe fire. I’m choking on the frozen-ness I’ve allowed to envelope me. I don’t allow myself to look back. I don’t allow myself to try and see Him through the blizzard. If I look…if I see Him….

I’m on the road to who knows where, look ahead not behind I keep saying.

A break in the gloom and I see Him beside me. A swirl of powder and He’s gone. I step forward once again. Moving against the turmoil. Moving against the truth. Ahead through the clouds I see a glimpse of His face before He’s swallowed up by the madness of the storm. And all at once the storm builds and the chaos becomes consuming, overpowering and I’m being swallowed.

There’s no place to go where you’re not there.

Out of the haze a rope of sorts falls before me. Struggling to grab hold it swings just out of my reach. I know who holds the other end and I’m ready to hold on. I lunge forward with my hands reaching…and I make contact.

On your rope, I hold tight, but it’s freeing.

And once again visions dance in front of my eyes. This time all the bad and all the selfishness is played back in fast forward. And I once again see Him covered in my mess with arms open wide. Staring straight into my eyes.

And I take everything from you. But you’ll take anything won’t you?

Why? Why does He continue to take it? Why won’t He fight back? Why doesn’t He take everything I throw at him and drop it at my feet in disgust? Why doesn’t He walk away? Why are His arms still open? Why is He still waiting for me? I close my eyes against the truth.

Run away, run away like a prodigal. Don’t you wait for me. Don’t you wait for me. So ashamed, so ashamed but I need you so. And you wait for me. And you wait for me.

I open my eyes and I’m no longer in the midst of the storm, dangling from a rope on the edge of a mountain. I’m standing in the middle of sand with sunlight pouring in from every direction. I can see. I let go of the rope. And in the blink of an eye I’m back in the cold. In the night. In the storm. Surrounded.

Everybody wants to be right but only if it’s not day light?

The rope is gone. Tears begin to freeze on my cheeks. Gasping for breath. Gasping for life. I turn around. And I begin to move. Stumbling once again in the piles of darkness I’ve allowed to build around me. Now I’m searching. I’m looking for a break in the storm. I’m looking for a glimpse of His face. I’m looking for His arms. For Him.

I keep trying to find my way back, my way back.

And as I begin to run towards where I know He was I hear myself crying….

Run away, run away like a prodigal. Don’t you wait for me. Don’t you wait for me.

And I hear the truth flow from my lips….

So ashamed, so ashamed but I need you so. And you wait for me. And you wait for me.

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He waits for me.

Why….why do I make Him wait?