On My Own

Why?

Why have I thought that I had to do this on my own?

Why have I felt so much guilt and shame as I struggle and continue to fail?

Why have I fallen…gotten up…and fallen again?

Why have I felt defeat?

Didn’t I realize that I’m not strong enough?

Didn’t I realize that my God IS big enough to help me?

Why did I not just ask Him?

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Why did it take a friend sitting on his porch…asking me if I’ve talked to God about it….

Why did it take a sermon I swear I’ve heard before…..

Why did it take a song with lyrics that flooded my heart…

Why did it take a scripture I’ve read and read and read…

“Do not be afraid or discouraged because of this vast army for the battle is not yours, but God’s.” 2 Chronicles 15b:

What is my vast army…who is my vast army…what is your vast army?

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I’ve been doing this on my own…why did I think that way?

Divinely Manipulated

God has divinely manipulated me to this point. To show me where I am being held captive and to allow me the chance for freedom.

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Beautifully spoken.

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I find in me an urgency that’s increasing.

A need to break free from the yoke of slavery, from the burdens I carry, from the oppression I’ve allowed Satan to heap at me…

If not just for my sake for the sake of those that are watching.

For the sake of the children who are being held captive.

I need to break free.

So I can help them remove their chains.

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Just days into this journey I can already see the renewing of my soul.

The renewing of my relationship with my Father.

The renewing of my life.

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I am so grateful that I have a God who covers me in love

I am so grateful that I have a God who wants me to find freedom.

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The urgency increases.

Break free.

Break free.

Fight with everything.

“THE PEOPLE OF THE SECOND CHANCES”

“THE PEOPLE OF THE SECOND CHANCES”

We are the ones
who’ve messed up and stressed out
and held doubt in our mouths like
a lozenge, relishing its acrid memory.

We have saidseendone things
no one would believe
past lives laid behind us
like some twisted black magic carpet
that somehow still led us here.

We have been
found
and we abound with an inexpressible
joy that can only come from being
rescued
pursued
adored.

We are the ones
who know what it’s like to be loved
anyway
regardless
still
in spite of
completely
without limits.

We know grace
is amazing
and forgiveness
is free
and none of it’s easy
but it sure beats going back.

We know that the heart
is a fragile and resilient
vessel
and that the sun shines
best
through the cracks.

–De Jackson-Whimsygizmo

How many lessons?

I realized this journey to Breaking Free will contain 50 lessons on my own and 10 DVD sessions.

Uhhh…………

Is it too late to turn back now? I’m not the best student and 50 lessons? Really?

After a truly incredible first DVD session I was SO excited to start my first lesson.

Paper, pens, pencils, Bible, kleenex…I was ready to go!

And then I had a huge let down.

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Completely my fault.

In my head each lesson was going to rip open my soul and heal some hurt that I had hidden inside my heart.

It doesn’t quite work that way and I let myself be disappointed that on Day 1 I wasn’t being miraculously healed from all that plagues me. But instead was learning about history…and issues I don’t struggle with.

Now, why I felt that God had completely written this Bible Study ONLY for me…I have no clue. But it’s become clear that maybe there are other people in the world besides me that God wanted to heal through the pages of the study. And just maybe, in the future I’ll recall the words I’m reading and be able to better battle the enemy.

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With a better attitude now I have jumped into the study.

I’m only on Day 4 but I can’t wait each day to start and learn.

I’m not a history buff but I’m finding it fascinating to learn about these Kings who ruled and how…well…dumb they could be. Generations not learning from the mistakes or the triumphs of those before them. I want to go back in history and shake these men. How can they NOT SEE what they are doing? How can they NOT HAVE LEARNED?!

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That’s about the point I see my reflection.

And I remember my own past.

I remember the generations before me.

And I realize I haven’t quite learned either.

How many times has God wanted to come down and shake me?

My friends want to beat me with sticks as I continue to make the same mistakes over and over, and willingly.

Oh how God must just shake His head as He watches me.

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I’m learning so much about myself already.

And I’m not liking at all what I’m finding.

I asked God once to show me everything inside me He didn’t like.

Then I ran the other way so I couldn’t hear Him.

Not this time.

This time we’re doing it together.

Cleaning the junk out of the closets.

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First little bit of junk I’ve had to toss.

The value I put in friends and others.

And the lack of value I put in my relationship with God.

“Over and over God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself in their place, and that is where we faint and fail and get discouraged. How do we respond?  Do we give up everything? Do we become ill? Do we become disheartened? Or do we see the Lord?”

“At no time is our vision more capable of seeing God in His rightful place then when the focus of our former attentions has been removed from our sight.”

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Oops.

Huge oops!

My focus has so clearly been on people and relationships that I’ve forgotten the most important relationship I’ll ever have.

Forgive me.

Forgive me.

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Breaking Free Victory #1:
Taking ‘people’ off the throne and allowing God to sit there once again.

Kill, Steal and Destroy

Jerk.

I’m just not a fan of Satan lately.

Well, ever really. I’m just really mad at him LATELY. I’m watching lives destroyed, relationships broken, confidence shattered…

And it is among this chaos I’ve realized the oppression I’ve allowed Satan to inflict upon my own life.

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Today I started a journey to Breaking Free.

Readers, I do not blame you one bit if this is the moment you stop reading and start searching YouTube for some funny clip.

But here I go. And I’m praising God for using the voice and the passion of Beth Moore to touch and change so many lives with her studies and her willingness to bear her soul so that others can live in the freedom Jesus died to give us.

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I’ve learned today that my prison doors are locked from the inside. Fabulous. Not only am I feeling like I’m going crazy but I’m literally my own guard keeping me within the padded cell.

But I also learned today that I was NOT saved from my sins so that I could live my life in defeat.

Satan can presume no authority over me.

So why do I allow the oppression? Why does God allow it?

‘If you are a threat to his (Satan) dark kingdom then the oppression will come. We have to know how to fight the good fight.’

Teach me. Cause I’m losing this battle.

Isaiah 54:17 No weapon forged against us will prevail.

The Desert Song is blasting on my phone as I write this. ‘I will sing praise, I will sing praise! No weapons forged against me will remain. I will rejoice and I will declare. God is my victory and He is here.’

Victory begins with a cry for help.

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Sitting at my desk on a Friday morning minding my own business my eyes began to leak what I believe were tears…everywhere.

I made it out of the office and home before the floods completely let go.

I changed into comfy pajamas while blinded by tears and made it to the hallway before stopping to scream to God for help. Begging Him to take it all. To stop the hurt and heal the insecurities.

It was right at the last gasp for breath I realized my windows and door were open and my dear neighbor was standing outside with his ‘homies’. Oops.

Crazy church lady losing it upstairs.

So grabbing a box of Kleenex and Beth Moore’s Breaking Free Bible Study, I began to cry a bit quieter.

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I’m good. I keep saying that. My eyes (sad eyes) must be telling a different story. But I say I’m good.

Cause I have a God who is willing to walk alongside me and fix the broken.

‘We so often won’t deal with the truth in our lives, and we get caught in the strong hold. God willingly tells His children why they are being oppressed…if they are willing to listen.’

I’m listening. I’m listening and taking notes.

Let me tell you that I am all the way ticked off at myself for not seeing the insecurities in me and for allowing Satan to have hold of me for so long.

I am excited to now say ‘so long’ to him.

Let the journey begin.

Let the tears flow and the neighbors worry about me.

Cause I’m breaking free.

I’m ready to walk like a mighty warrior.